“You finished me”. Tom Cruise’s famous statement to Renee Zellweger in the movie Jerry Maguire “Fuck up women!” according to Oprah.
I agree.
Based on my own personal experience and all the reading I’ve done about the abuse and the discussions and information I’ve been told, I think the statement is actually abuse, and here’s why.
“You Done Me” isn’t romance, it’s control. how? Well, now that person holds you accountable for their feelings and well-being. This is a form of manipulation.
I remember my ex saying to me that he didn’t like me talking to his business partner, someone he introduced me to, and he thought it would help me in my career.
“I know what you’re doing, and I’ll watch you.”
what do you watch me do? I didn’t do anything wrong, but suddenly I started to question myself and his feelings became more important than my own. I want to make sure he feels safe, secure and loved in our relationship, so I limit any other relationships that might cause him to feel different. Well, there really is no end to it…soon, not just business partners and colleagues, but friends, family and students. Yes, even for students. I remember one night I was planning to have dinner with a very struggling teenage student.
I had a big fight with my ex over that dinner because he didn’t want me to go. He said I can’t save her, he needs me, and if I go, then I’m telling him she’s more important than him blah blah blah. I can point out that he is an adult and she is a child. I went anyway because it was obviously the right thing to do, but I paid dearly for it. He made my life miserable for the next few months, and he still brings it up until the day we parted ways. Yes, no one in my life can escape his insecurities, and as a result, I am left alone.
Don’t get me wrong, I take full responsibility for my actions. I let this manipulation invade my life and eat into my spirit. I made his voice louder than mine. I believe and practice the phrase “you complete me”. I am like many other women who think there is an element of love and romance in it. Somehow conflating control and abuse with love and caring. Now, on the other side of it, I see clearly that this is a way of controlling and manipulating. It’s not about love at all.
“You finished me” means I now have to live his life to the fullest, meeting his needs and giving up any self-care of my own. No time; he’s a full-time job.
“You finished me.”
Really? Well, you exhausted me.
Yes, have to constantly worry about whether he feels safe in the relationship (which never ends because his insecurities are so deep), am I doing something wrong in his eyes, always guessing his Emotions, constantly having to adjust to his new rules…it’s exhausting me. I was exhausted, chronically depressed and depressed. His support was control in disguise, and his actions did not match his words. He lied a lot, but I still poured him a glass, not my own.
Finally after so many years, years of trying to break free but always too weak inside to tear myself apart emotionally, I finally built up the strength to say…
“You finished me? Humph, that sucks because I deleted you.”
Are you sure you want to permanently delete this person? Yes. Like folders on your computer, you now have more room to fill with good things, positive things, things you cultivate for yourself.You are free to fill your glass so now
“I finish me”
It’s a better line, don’t you think?
